Throwback Thursday

I am currently 27 months out from my WLS.  And yesterday the scale said 180.2 pounds.  It still fluctuates on a daily basis...like this morning it said 181.4.  I wear a size 12/14 in pants and tops.  I am still 15 pounds from my "goal weight" of 165.  But when I stop and think about my life and where I have come from I think back to the last time I weighed 180 pounds and wore a size 12/14.  Well that was when I was in High school and the year after so 1991-1994.  I still weighed more than my peers since most of them were in the 110-130 range.. or at least that was my best guess.  So I still suffered from self loathing and hating myself for being "fat".  But when I look at the following pictures I want to cry for that girl.  I wasn't fat.  I was thick... in all the right places...  a booty to balance my breasts...thin arms... great legs....  But why did I hate myself so much?  

Those jeans are a size 12

 That dress was a size 14.  I had to search high a low for a dress that was in style and in my size.  So when I found it, the size and price was ingrained in my brain.... size 14 price $112.  Thanks Grandma for buying it for me!

This was Tim's Prom in 1994

So when I look at those pictures and see that girl I am sad that she didn't understand how perfect she really was.  I am sad that she didn't see how worthy she was, and how it didn't matter than she was a bit heavier than her peers.  That her self worth was not related to the number on the damn scale.

So today is "Throw back Thursday"....  And a full circle moment... my pants are a size 12/14.  The dress I wore to my 20 yr High school Reunion was a size 12/14.  I weigh 180 pounds.  I am still working on my current issues of self loathing and feeling less than.  I try to not let the number on the scale determine my value.  I am still a work in progress...but at least I am still working on it

The Ugly Truth about my weight loss

I have been struggling with something during this weight loss journey of mine.  And today while reading on facebook I found an article that sums up my feelings much more eloquently that I could.  Here is the link:

http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/11/what-no-one-tells-you-about-dramatic-weight-loss.html

Basically it talks about how as you lose weight you feel better and are healthier but sometimes, most times, your body does not look how you thought it would.  While my silhouette is smaller and sleeker while fully clothed, when you take those clothes off I am full of sags, bags, lumps and bumps.  When I go to the dressing room to try on new clothes I am often left feeling crappy about myself because of how clothes fit and feel on my new body.  And the ugly truth is that I can "fit" into a size 12/14 pants but because it squishes the extra skin up and creates and unsightly muffin top I opt to wear 14/16 pants instead even though they bag in the ass and create a bulge in my crotch area.    I can "fit" into a medium top but it hugs my muffin top and left over baby belly too snugly and so I buy the size large.  My bra siz is really a size 34DDD but I choose to sacrifice lift to avoid lumps....  A 34 band squishes the extra back skin and makes me have lumps in my arm pits... so I buy size 36DDD and deal with the extra sag in the front.  But trust me that little sag is WAY better than the full on "puppy dog ears" I have when I am not wearing a bra.  I have lost 2 cups sizes and about 8 inches around but the skin has not shrunk.  So my breasts look like lemons hanging in tube socks.  Sigh.  I hate them so much I wear a bra 24/7.  I wear one to bed too.  I'm not kidding.  An underwire one.... to bed.  Even my face suddenly has a million extra wrinkles now that I have lost the fat that used to plump these wrinkles out.  I no longer have 3 chins but I have a turkey waddle of loose skin under my chin.  Sigh.

And I feel like a fraud.  People tell me all the time how great I look and all I can think is "yay, you haven't seen me in a bathing suit".  How many other people are struggling with their weight and think that once they get to their goal weight that they will be super model runway ready? I know that I had this notion that my stomach would be flat, my hips would be perfect and my ass would be grab worthy and that somehow my huge breasts would shrink, and be gravity defying-ly perky.  But here I am a mere 17 pounds from my goal and my ass is far from grab worthy, my breast laughably NOT perky.  So in honor of this realization and to de- fraud myself I am going to be brave and post the ugly truth..... the pictures that are unflattering.  The poses that I delete off my camera because they are horrid.  But the truth is that I *am* all of those things.... I look great.... I am Beautiful.... I am unflattering.....  I am horrid....I am flabby.... I am bumpy..... But most of all I am healthy.

If you are squeamish about saggy skin please close your browser window now.
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I do not provide eye bleach.
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lots of truth about to be splashed on this page!
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 My face full of wrinkles.

Full body.  Belly skin hangs over.... notice how it hangs unevenly.....  I can thank my children for that.  pregnancy stretched my skin unevenly...

 an extreme close up!  Belly and saggy thighs.  And all the scars from 2 abdominal surgeries.

 Arm flag that hangs over my Bra.  Awesome... NOT!  And seriously.... WTF happened to my belly button?!?!?!

Speaking of arm flab..... here it is from the back.  Skin hangs over my bra.  Skin on arms are like wings.  Bat Wings.   And and the cottage cheese ass and saggy skin on my thighs.

Side view.  The skin just hangs.  Do you see the definition on my sides?  there are abs under all that skin.....

 My saggy baggy thighs.....  Notice the skin hangs over my knees.

It is freeing to put this out there.  I am still scared to hit "post" but I know that there are other women out there that have had babies, have lost weight but are still so completely unhappy with how their bodies look.  I am right there with you.  In all my saggy glory. 

I love my life.  I love that I am healthy.  I love that I can run and jump and play with my kids.  But I Fucking HATE that after losing 157 pounds that I still look like shit in a bathing suit.

I am 17 pounds from my goal weight of 165 pounds.  I know that I can lose the weight.  I know that I can.  But part of me is holding on to these last pounds because I am scared of what my skin and body will look like f I lose another ounce.  

I want to break free of the vanity and focus on  my health.... but I am struggling with all this skin.

21 Month Update

Hi there my lovlies!!!!  I have missed posted on my blog.  But life always seems to get in the way!  LOL  I am busy chasing kids, being social and having fun!  Life is full of so many opportunities that i never realized I was missing at 338 pounds.  Hiking, biking, swimming wearing a bathing suit, wearing a pretty dress.  Dancing till I drop.  So many choices and so much life to live!  I am so glad I have a second chance to do it!!!

Here I am in my beautiful new dress dancing all night at my Moscow High School Class reunion.

 Here is Tim and I at the same event.  Who would have thought that I would ever look smaller than my husband?!?!?

That dress is a size Large.  WHAT?!?!?!  a large. Size 14  So hard to believe since I started out on this journey in a size 3x or 28.  Un-freakin-believable!!!!

Here is where we get the nitty gritty..... the numbers.  They don't lie!

Started weight:  338, Current weight: 185
Starting BMI: 55.4  Current BMI: 30.3
Starting Neck measurement:  16.25  Current: 13.25
Starting Bicept measurement: 16.75  Current: 13
Starting Wrist measurement: 7  Current: 6.25
Starting Bust measurement: 53.5  Current: 40.5
Starting Bra Size: 44DDD, Current Bra size: 36DDD
Starting Waist measurement: 53  Current: 37
Starting Hips measurement:  61  Current:  44.25
Starting Thigh measurement:  34  Current: 24.5
Starting Calf measurement:  20 Current: 15.25
Starting Ankle Measurement:  10 Current: 9

Total Weigh Lost: 153 pounds  
Total Inches lost:  68.5 inches ( 5 ft 8.5 inches)
Total BMI Points Lost: 25.1

Pictures to burn???

I recently was cleaning up some files on my computer and found some pictures.  These pictures are not pretty.  They are not flattering.  They are pictures that I would have most likely deleted if I had found them 2 years ago.  They make me cringe.  How did I ever get that Fat?  How did I ever not see myself in the mirror?  How did I believe myself when I would say "it isn't THAT bad"?

It WAS that bad.  It was worse than I imagined.  I lied to myself.  I lied to others.  I hid from the truth.  The sad sad truth.  I was fat.  Unhealthy. Dying inside my huge body.

But here is the thing..... I took a chance on me.  I made a huge decision to change my life.  I will never go back to that girl.  To that huge unhealthy body.  I will continue until I die to eat appropriate portions, choose my food wisely, and move my body.

For anyone reading this that is overweight, please consider making a change.  It *IS* that bad.  You do need to do something about it.  Stop lying to yourself.  Go find yourself a full length mirror.  Take your clothes off and stand in front of the mirror.  Jump up and down, bend over, twist, move.  If you don't like what you see then NOW is the time to change it.  Don't wait until you are 338 pounds.  Don't wait until you have no other options but surgical intervention.  You CAN change.  You can make better choices and get healthier.

And I will cheer you on, offer you support, and help motivate you in any way I can.  :)  Love yourself enough. I did.  And I will never regret loving myself enough to make a change!  <3

15 Month Update

I have been neglecting my blog.  I have just been so busy living my life.  LOL  But I thought  I would post a few pictures and my stats!

First the stats.

As of 1/19/13 (my 15 month anniversary)  I have lost:

141 pounds.  (started at 338, now 197)

23.1 BMI points

2.5 inches off my neck
10.5 inches off my bust
14 inches off my waist
13.75 inches off my hips
3.75 inches off my upper arm
.75 of an inch off my wrist
8.75 inches off my thigh
3.75 inches off my calf
.75 if an inch off my ankle

All of that adds up to a total loss of 58.5 inches.

CRAZY Crazy crazy!

Here is my latest side by sides!

:)  I am so happy with where I am and what I have accomplished!  I am only 32 pounds from my goal weight!  :)

165 I am coming for you!

10 Month Update!

10 months ago I was laying in recovery wondering "What the F*** have I done to myself?"  LOL  I was sore and the pain meds were not working very well.  I had to wear an oxygen mask because my sleep apnea and then the pain meds decreasing my breaths caused my oxygenation to dip into the 80s when I slept.  I was miserable, and then they wanted me to get up and walk.  Walking helps move the gas out of your system.  So walking I did.  Laps and laps around the ward and nurses station.  Endless laps!

Now I *know* "What the F*** I did to myself"... I got a new lease on life.  I got my energy back.  I got my health back. I got so many new levels of freedom that it is hard to even express!  So many Non Scale Victories too.  So many things that make my life 1000 times better than it was.  :)

Sometimes those NSVs are had to express but the pure numbers just don't lie!  As of today on my 10 months surgeversary:

I have lost 121 Pounds.
I have lost 19.8 BMI points
I have lost 2.25 Inches off my Neck
I have lost 2.5 Inches off my Upper Arm
I have lost 1/2 an Inch off my wrist
I have lost 9 Inches off my Bust
I have lost 10.25 Inches off my Waist
I have lost 11.25 Inches off my Hips
I have lost 7 Inches off my Thigh
I have lost 4 Inches off my Calf
I have lost 3/4 of an Inch off my ankle

Total Inches lost:  48.5 Inches!

I am super proud of my accomplishments and do not regret for one minute the surgery that changed my life for the better!!!

Working HARD for 3 pounds! 9 month update

My weight loss has slowed down.  I am still losing but it is at a much slower rate.  It is possible that the month of July is just harder for me to eat right since we have 4 birthdays to celebrate.... but really that is just an excuse.  I feel off the exercise wagon into a vat of potato chips!  LOL.  I have a feeling that this next month will be a bigger weight loss month for me.  But without further ado here are my numbers:



I started out at 338. This morning I weighed in at 225. Total loss of 113 pounds!

I started out at a BMI of 54.6. Today my BMI is 36.8. Total loss of 17.8 points!

I took all my measurements as well. Waist, Bust, Hip, Wrist, Neck, Upper Arm, Thigh, Calf & Ankle. The easiest way to illustrate the loss here is to add all the inches up and then show how many total inches I have lost.
I started at a total of inches 271.5. Today my total inches are 224.75 Total Loss of 46.75 inches!


I am amazed at those numbers.  It is unbelievable to me that there used to be 46 more inches of me...... where did I keep it?  113 pounds... how did I carry it?  UN- Believable!


I still have a ways to go.... My surgeon has set my "goal weight" at 175.  But as I have mentioned before that number leaves me in the "overweight" category on the BMI Charts.  That is just not acceptable to me.  I did not come this far to still be overweight.  I want to be at a normal BMI.  So MY GOAL is 150 pounds.  That puts me just under a healthy BMI number of 25.  Just under 12 BMI points left to lose.  That number seems less daunting than saying I have 75 pounds to lose.  :)  

This past weekend we went camping.  It is something that I have always loved to do with Tim and the kids.  Even though it was a whole lot of work and everything takes more effort... Oh you want a glass a milk... let me dig around to find a paper cup... then dig the milk out of the cooler, then pour the milk, and lastly make room in the cooler again for the milk now that the ice and water have taken up the space that the milk occupied just seconds ago. sigh.  It s exhausting writing and doing it!  LOL.  But I will tell you that being 113 pounds lighter and 46.75 inches smaller made the extra effort and hard work a little bit easier!  No.... a LOT easier!  I didn't get winded setting up camp.  I didn't sweat like a sinner in church all day long beng outside with no A/C.  I fit comfortably on the camp mattress with Tim and Harlie.  I was able to take a 2 mile bike ride with my family and Mason was the one who got too tired, instead of me.  We hiked up a hill that would have killed this former fat chick with ease to see Shadow Falls.  I was in all the pictures at the scenic views instead of waiting at the bottom of the hill.  :)  Amazing!  Amazing! Amazing!  


I have no regrets about surgery.  I only wish I would have done it sooner!