Throwback Thursday

I am currently 27 months out from my WLS.  And yesterday the scale said 180.2 pounds.  It still fluctuates on a daily basis...like this morning it said 181.4.  I wear a size 12/14 in pants and tops.  I am still 15 pounds from my "goal weight" of 165.  But when I stop and think about my life and where I have come from I think back to the last time I weighed 180 pounds and wore a size 12/14.  Well that was when I was in High school and the year after so 1991-1994.  I still weighed more than my peers since most of them were in the 110-130 range.. or at least that was my best guess.  So I still suffered from self loathing and hating myself for being "fat".  But when I look at the following pictures I want to cry for that girl.  I wasn't fat.  I was thick... in all the right places...  a booty to balance my breasts...thin arms... great legs....  But why did I hate myself so much?  

Those jeans are a size 12

 That dress was a size 14.  I had to search high a low for a dress that was in style and in my size.  So when I found it, the size and price was ingrained in my brain.... size 14 price $112.  Thanks Grandma for buying it for me!

This was Tim's Prom in 1994

So when I look at those pictures and see that girl I am sad that she didn't understand how perfect she really was.  I am sad that she didn't see how worthy she was, and how it didn't matter than she was a bit heavier than her peers.  That her self worth was not related to the number on the damn scale.

So today is "Throw back Thursday"....  And a full circle moment... my pants are a size 12/14.  The dress I wore to my 20 yr High school Reunion was a size 12/14.  I weigh 180 pounds.  I am still working on my current issues of self loathing and feeling less than.  I try to not let the number on the scale determine my value.  I am still a work in progress...but at least I am still working on it