The Ugly Truth about my weight loss

I have been struggling with something during this weight loss journey of mine.  And today while reading on facebook I found an article that sums up my feelings much more eloquently that I could.  Here is the link:

http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/11/what-no-one-tells-you-about-dramatic-weight-loss.html

Basically it talks about how as you lose weight you feel better and are healthier but sometimes, most times, your body does not look how you thought it would.  While my silhouette is smaller and sleeker while fully clothed, when you take those clothes off I am full of sags, bags, lumps and bumps.  When I go to the dressing room to try on new clothes I am often left feeling crappy about myself because of how clothes fit and feel on my new body.  And the ugly truth is that I can "fit" into a size 12/14 pants but because it squishes the extra skin up and creates and unsightly muffin top I opt to wear 14/16 pants instead even though they bag in the ass and create a bulge in my crotch area.    I can "fit" into a medium top but it hugs my muffin top and left over baby belly too snugly and so I buy the size large.  My bra siz is really a size 34DDD but I choose to sacrifice lift to avoid lumps....  A 34 band squishes the extra back skin and makes me have lumps in my arm pits... so I buy size 36DDD and deal with the extra sag in the front.  But trust me that little sag is WAY better than the full on "puppy dog ears" I have when I am not wearing a bra.  I have lost 2 cups sizes and about 8 inches around but the skin has not shrunk.  So my breasts look like lemons hanging in tube socks.  Sigh.  I hate them so much I wear a bra 24/7.  I wear one to bed too.  I'm not kidding.  An underwire one.... to bed.  Even my face suddenly has a million extra wrinkles now that I have lost the fat that used to plump these wrinkles out.  I no longer have 3 chins but I have a turkey waddle of loose skin under my chin.  Sigh.

And I feel like a fraud.  People tell me all the time how great I look and all I can think is "yay, you haven't seen me in a bathing suit".  How many other people are struggling with their weight and think that once they get to their goal weight that they will be super model runway ready? I know that I had this notion that my stomach would be flat, my hips would be perfect and my ass would be grab worthy and that somehow my huge breasts would shrink, and be gravity defying-ly perky.  But here I am a mere 17 pounds from my goal and my ass is far from grab worthy, my breast laughably NOT perky.  So in honor of this realization and to de- fraud myself I am going to be brave and post the ugly truth..... the pictures that are unflattering.  The poses that I delete off my camera because they are horrid.  But the truth is that I *am* all of those things.... I look great.... I am Beautiful.... I am unflattering.....  I am horrid....I am flabby.... I am bumpy..... But most of all I am healthy.

If you are squeamish about saggy skin please close your browser window now.
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Still here?
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.Consider yourself warned.....
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I do not provide eye bleach.
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lots of truth about to be splashed on this page!
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 My face full of wrinkles.

Full body.  Belly skin hangs over.... notice how it hangs unevenly.....  I can thank my children for that.  pregnancy stretched my skin unevenly...

 an extreme close up!  Belly and saggy thighs.  And all the scars from 2 abdominal surgeries.

 Arm flag that hangs over my Bra.  Awesome... NOT!  And seriously.... WTF happened to my belly button?!?!?!

Speaking of arm flab..... here it is from the back.  Skin hangs over my bra.  Skin on arms are like wings.  Bat Wings.   And and the cottage cheese ass and saggy skin on my thighs.

Side view.  The skin just hangs.  Do you see the definition on my sides?  there are abs under all that skin.....

 My saggy baggy thighs.....  Notice the skin hangs over my knees.

It is freeing to put this out there.  I am still scared to hit "post" but I know that there are other women out there that have had babies, have lost weight but are still so completely unhappy with how their bodies look.  I am right there with you.  In all my saggy glory. 

I love my life.  I love that I am healthy.  I love that I can run and jump and play with my kids.  But I Fucking HATE that after losing 157 pounds that I still look like shit in a bathing suit.

I am 17 pounds from my goal weight of 165 pounds.  I know that I can lose the weight.  I know that I can.  But part of me is holding on to these last pounds because I am scared of what my skin and body will look like f I lose another ounce.  

I want to break free of the vanity and focus on  my health.... but I am struggling with all this skin.