Conversation with Tim

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. Even in elementary and middle school I was the heaviest in the class. And in High school it got worse. After graduation I moved in with Tim and we both gained weight. It had kinds settled in terms of my weight right before we got married. And then I started having babies and my weight was all over the place. When I birthed Harlie I weighed in at 315 pounds. It was the highest I had ever been.

I tried to ignore the fact that my weight was out of control. I tried to watch my food portions and get more exercise but I just didn't see much difference on the scale. I was discouraged and depressed. You would think that alone would have compelled me to do something more to change it. Nope. Instead it took a few more kicks to my ego and head to get me to do something!

First thing was in August of 2010 we went to Glacier with some dear friends. We had a wonderful time seeing the sights and all the animals. One of the days everyone wanted to take a hike. It was only a few miles so I thought I could do it. We all set out together. Pretty soon I was at the back of the pack. I was struggling to keep up. I would have to rest. Finally I just could not go on. I sat down on a big rock with 10 mo old Harlie to rest. We did not go any further up the trail. The rest of my family and our friends made it to the top of the trail. I was just too fat and too out of shape to make it. I missed out on a family moment because I couldn't take another step up the hill. I was devastated. I began to really think about what I wanted to do to change my life. I started to ask myself what I was *willing* to do.

The second thing that was a huge eye opener for me was a conversation I had with Tim. Like any husband who lives his wife Tim wants to have sex with me. And for any normal wife this should be a good thing. Every woman wants to be wanted by her husband. And Tim isn't even pushy about it. Tim just wants to know why I don't want to? Is it him? Am I not attracted to him? Did he upset me in some way? Am I angry? Hurt? What exactly is the problem with me?

I am fat. Once upon a time I was OK with being Fat. I loved my body and myself. But as the years have passed and the numbers on the scale keeps growing I am less in love with my body and more ashamed of it. Of me. Of how I let myself get to this weight. So when my husband reaches out for me to touch me all I can think about is "OMG he is touching my FAT ROLL and he is disgusted by me. I am disgusted by me". And then I push him away. What husband wouldn't feel slighted or undesirable if every single time he touches me I cringe? It is so NOT FAIR to him. I love him. I think he is sexy. I am so attracted to him. He is totally the best husband ever. My hang up is on me. But it effects him and our marriage. I just can't relax and turn off the internal voice in my head that is saying.... you are fat and therefore can't be sexy. Sigh.

But this has to change. Tim is a patient man and is in no way pressuring me, but his needs are not being met. He has come to me in a loving and caring way and asked me to full fill his needs for intimacy and romance within our marriage. And I feel he has every right to ask that of me. And I WANT to want to have sex. I want to have intamcy with my husband. But my weight and my body image is preventing that from happening. So I need to change my weight and body image. Not only for my health but for my marriage and because I LOVE my husband and he deserves a better Jen.

This conversation with Tim was the final thing that pushed me to DO SOMETHING about it. So now.....I am on the journey to become "A Lesser Jen".