Step 1

So I am considering doing some type of Weight Loss Surgery (WLS). The 2 types I am considering is either Lap Band or the traditional Gastric Bypass. I have done some reading on both types and I am still not sure which one is the best option. Thankfully I don't have to decide on my own. WLS is only done when people have met specific criteria and are willing to follow a new lifestyle of eating and exercise. Or at least this is what they tell me online. There are seminars you are required to attend before a surgeon will even do a consultation with you to determine which WLS is right for you. So the first step actually has a few parts involved.

* How to pay for WLS. We thankfully when Tim's company was bought out last year the new company they merged with has kick ass medical coverage and it was affordable for our family. So now after many years of not having health insurance I finally do. Also thankfully the new health Insurance plan we are on does have benefits that include WLS. I am sure there are hoops to jump through, although I don't yet know what they will be. I may not be eligible but it won't hurt to check into it. So I called the Insurance company and yes I have coverage and yes WLS is a covered benefit of teh plan for people who met the criteria. The criteria is yet to be determined, which brings me to the seminar.

* Attend a seminar about WLS. Our local hospital is "A center of excellence" in the area of WLS. 2 Drs at the hospital have received this certification. Part of their WLS program is that you must first attend a seminar to get information and also to do initial screenings of possible WLS candidates. So I called to get enrolled in one of the seminars. I was then informed that my Primary Care Physician (PCP) would have to refer me to the seminar. OK. another step.

* Get a PCP. I have not had health Insurance since March of 2005 so therefore no PCP. Thankfully Tim has a PCP who has some slots open for new patients. I was able to make an appointment for this week to establish myself as a patient with Dr. W and he will become my PCP. I will ask for the referral at that point.

So to recap. I have health Insurance now. (YAY!!!) I have a plan for how to pay for the surgery. I have a PCP. I hope to get a referral for the seminar. I am enrolled in the seminar.

Step 1 complete!

Conversation with Tim

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. Even in elementary and middle school I was the heaviest in the class. And in High school it got worse. After graduation I moved in with Tim and we both gained weight. It had kinds settled in terms of my weight right before we got married. And then I started having babies and my weight was all over the place. When I birthed Harlie I weighed in at 315 pounds. It was the highest I had ever been.

I tried to ignore the fact that my weight was out of control. I tried to watch my food portions and get more exercise but I just didn't see much difference on the scale. I was discouraged and depressed. You would think that alone would have compelled me to do something more to change it. Nope. Instead it took a few more kicks to my ego and head to get me to do something!

First thing was in August of 2010 we went to Glacier with some dear friends. We had a wonderful time seeing the sights and all the animals. One of the days everyone wanted to take a hike. It was only a few miles so I thought I could do it. We all set out together. Pretty soon I was at the back of the pack. I was struggling to keep up. I would have to rest. Finally I just could not go on. I sat down on a big rock with 10 mo old Harlie to rest. We did not go any further up the trail. The rest of my family and our friends made it to the top of the trail. I was just too fat and too out of shape to make it. I missed out on a family moment because I couldn't take another step up the hill. I was devastated. I began to really think about what I wanted to do to change my life. I started to ask myself what I was *willing* to do.

The second thing that was a huge eye opener for me was a conversation I had with Tim. Like any husband who lives his wife Tim wants to have sex with me. And for any normal wife this should be a good thing. Every woman wants to be wanted by her husband. And Tim isn't even pushy about it. Tim just wants to know why I don't want to? Is it him? Am I not attracted to him? Did he upset me in some way? Am I angry? Hurt? What exactly is the problem with me?

I am fat. Once upon a time I was OK with being Fat. I loved my body and myself. But as the years have passed and the numbers on the scale keeps growing I am less in love with my body and more ashamed of it. Of me. Of how I let myself get to this weight. So when my husband reaches out for me to touch me all I can think about is "OMG he is touching my FAT ROLL and he is disgusted by me. I am disgusted by me". And then I push him away. What husband wouldn't feel slighted or undesirable if every single time he touches me I cringe? It is so NOT FAIR to him. I love him. I think he is sexy. I am so attracted to him. He is totally the best husband ever. My hang up is on me. But it effects him and our marriage. I just can't relax and turn off the internal voice in my head that is saying.... you are fat and therefore can't be sexy. Sigh.

But this has to change. Tim is a patient man and is in no way pressuring me, but his needs are not being met. He has come to me in a loving and caring way and asked me to full fill his needs for intimacy and romance within our marriage. And I feel he has every right to ask that of me. And I WANT to want to have sex. I want to have intamcy with my husband. But my weight and my body image is preventing that from happening. So I need to change my weight and body image. Not only for my health but for my marriage and because I LOVE my husband and he deserves a better Jen.

This conversation with Tim was the final thing that pushed me to DO SOMETHING about it. So now.....I am on the journey to become "A Lesser Jen".