Thankful heart

I started this blog way back in 2011 when I started down the path on my journey to get healthy.  I have shared my successes and failures and tried to be as honest and open as I can be or dare to be.  In the past few days I have tried to chronicle my recent Abdominoplasty and tell my story of recovery.  But I feel like I need to take a break form that and just express my joy.  I had my plastic surgery on December 30 and today is January 29th.  So I am almost a month out from that experience. And how how that 30 days has been a roller coaster of emotions.  But today I feel joy.

When I started dating my husband in 1994 I has just graduated from high school.  My body at that time was still 30+ pounds heavier than my peers.  But I had this inner love for myself and this unbelievable confidence.  I was the first one to tell my friends she was beautiful and to not let little things like the size of her ass stop her from being who she really wanted to be.  I had this sass that was never ending.  I was confident to a fault in some cases... I came on strong with the guys I wanted.  But was just as quick to say that I didn't "need" a man.  I was finding my way.  I wanted to find a man that could partner with me.  I didn't want to be subservient in any way.  I wanted a partner and I wanted someone to love me for my sass, attitude and my confidence.  I wanted someone who wouldn't be afraid of me.  But I also wanted to be cherished and adored and understood.  I wanted someone to see what a loyal friend I am and how family means everything to me.  I wanted someone to see that I would do the right thing no matter how hard it was.  I wanted someone to see that personal growth is hard but it is sooo worth it,

I remember having this picture taken at a local park

Look at that Confidence!  I was thick through my hips and butt and had a great set of perky tits!  i looked forward at my life and thought.... I can DO ANYTHING!  I will achieve my goals.  I will have  husband and kids.  I will have friends and family and nothing will stop me.

I met my husband and was friends with him for a few years before he convinced me that he was worthy to date!  (sorry babe but it's the truth.... you had to crawl from the friend zone to the date-able zone).  But by us being friends first I knew he knew how I was.  He was actually ATTRACTED to my self confidence and not intimated by it.  And thus we began building a life together.  That one kiss on New Years Eve in 1994 changed the course of my life.  We both broke up with our respective "others".  I was sick of being treated badly by my current "boyfriend" (I use quotes because even though that's what he was he never let me call him that).  I wanted and deserved more in a relationship.  That AMAZING kiss from Tim changed my life.  Well that and the way he treated me like a queen from that moment to this one and plans to be that way for the rest of my life!

So thus began the start of my beautiful life.  I still have the same 4 best girl friends all the way from grade school and high school. I am still madly in love with my husband. I gave birth to 4 beautiful children who are my world.

But somewhere in these past 20 years I lost part of me.  Somewhere between losing my dad, my grandparents I lost a part of my happiness.  Somewhere in there dealing with a difficult extended family dynamic I lost part of feeling I was worthy of being loved unconditionally.  Somewhere in there while sharing my body with 4 babies and exclusively breastfeeding for a total of over 5 years I lost part of my sexy.  And in having babies and dealing with loss I forgot that food was for fuel and not comfort.  I gained 160+ pounds and lost a piece of my self confidence and my sass.  And somewhere along the way I replaced all those attributes with self loathing, anger, anxiety, resentment and fear.  Oh so much fear.

Then one day I got left on the side of a trail in Glacier National Park.  Read this to understand that reference.  And I decided that I wanted to find the parts of me that where missing and give back the negative parts that had replaced them.  I dug deep and found that courageous girl inside of me and she made the awesome decision to have Gastric Bypass Surgery.

This Beautiful courageous girl made the best decision of my life!

And then I set to work to loss the weight.  And with every pound I lost I also dealt with my anger and anxiety and resentment and fear.  I did my deal of changing my lifestyle.  I ate better, moved my ass and lost the weight,  Along the way I did what I call the "head work".  I figured out why I was resentful, fearful, angry and self loathing.  And with the pounds that I lost I lost those ugly things about myself too.  I'm not saying that I'm perfect.... cause I am still far from it.  But that girl 20 years ago wasn't afraid of personal growth and neither was the girl 3 years ago and neither am I now.

When the opportunity to have plastic surgery on my stomach came to me I felt it was the next natural step in my journey to health.  The recurrent skin infections and floppy skin prevented me from fully enjoying my life. I held onto a bit of the self loathing and anxiety in that apron of skin.  So I jumped at the chance to have it removed.  

When I woke up after surgery and got to see my new body that Dr. Buchanan from Spokane Plastic Surgeons had contoured for me I was amazed.  I was also drugged and not really in a place to fully appreciate the gift I had been given.  But in the days and weeks that have followed I have healed and my head is clear from the pain meds.  I have been able to take stock of the gift as well as what I lost and gained from that surgery!

I lost a bunch of skin.  And with that big 28 inch incision, Dr. Buchanan's gifted hands also removed the last bit of self loathing and anxiety about my body that I had been holding onto.  I gained a cute belly button and I found my sass.  I took back my self confidence. And oh my, oh my, I brought my SEXY back!  

I have come to realize that this person that I have been working on for the past 20 years has come full circle.  I got my sass and self confidence back but I also have wisdom and life experience to balance it with.  I found my happiness that I laid down somewhere along the way.  Not because being thin makes me happy, but because being who I was always meant to be inside makes me happy.

So now I have this beautiful life that I have built over 20 years with a man that I am madly in love with, and 4 amazing kids.  I still have the best friends I have always had, that have weathered this storm with me.  I have repaired and got to a healthy place with my extended family.    I have my self confidence back, my sass, and my sexy!

Today I feel like that 19 year old girl again that just got kissed by the man of her dreams!  That my life is full of endless possibilities.  That I am unstoppable.

I am thankful to all of you that helped me find my way back to me.  My husband, my family, my best friends Megan, Sara, Stephanie and Sarah, my kids, my DS2 support group family, my new friends, my old friends, Dr Buchanan, Dr. Spitz (WLS Surgeon) Some of you didn't know me then but you have still helped get this girl back to being: Authentically, perfectly, wonderfully Jen.

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