Transformation Tuesday

Transformation Tuesday....

On a lot of WLS support boards they have a theme day on Tuesdays.  You are supposed to post before and after pictures of yourself showing your progress.  I have participated in these theme days for years.  More often now that I am at my goal weight and post tummy tuck.  But today I just wasn't feeling it.  I thought it might have been because I don't want to look at pictures of "fat Jen"  or maybe it was because I am tired of "healthy Jen" too.  And I am sure that is part of it.  But the biggest reason is that pictures don't do justice to to show my transformation.  Sure my ass has shrunk.  I can wear Jr. Size clothes.  Hell even my ring and shoe size is smaller.  My stomach is flat (thanks to a Tummy Tuck) and I can confidently wear a bikini.  But so what?!?!?  That is just skin, fat, muscle and fashion. That shit is easy

The bigger deal and the most difficult part of my transformation is in my head and heart and soul.  Figuring out why I overate in the first place.  And then realizing I could no longer stuff my feelings with food.  Food was gonna kill me.  I had to learn how to feel those feelings.  To let them fill me up.. consume me.  And not to run away from them.  But to let them in and finally realize that they cant hurt me.  Anything that gave me a huge reaction or rocked me to my core was old.  Old Hurt.  Old bullshit.  Old pain.  Old lies that I told myself or was told to me by someone else that I believed.  Lies I believed.

Let that sink in..... LIES I believed,  Things like I was not worthy.  Or was going to fail.  Or wasn't pretty.  Wasn't attractive.  Wasn't smart.  Wasn't sexy. Wasn't strong.  Wasn't enough.  Wasn't worthy of love.  Wasn't worthy of respect.  Wasn't worthy of acceptance. Wasn't lovable. Would never be happy.  Would always settle for less because the best wasn't for me.  I wasn't enough because I was too loud.  Too bossy. Too sassy.  Too fat.  Too pushy.  Too obnoxious.  Too outspoken.  Too bold.  Too much.

This past year I have been working really hard on changing my truth. I have looked at each one of those LIES and tried my damnest to STOP BELIEVING it!  I have stumbled and fallen and probably fucked up a lot along the way. But I am beginning to slay those demons.  I wake up every day and try to believe I am worthy.  I will succeed.  I am pretty, attractive, sexy, desirable.  I am smart.  I am so strong.  I am enough.  I am worthy of love respect and acceptance for the perfectly flawed Jen that I am.  I am lovable and give my love so freely.  I will be happy and I deserve the best.  And all those things I though I was too much of... well I am the perfect amount of all of them!  They make me exactly who I am supposed to be.

But even bigger that all of that is that I figured out that hole in my soul that aches that I have been filling up for years with food, drugs, alcohol, sex and lies.... it is still there.  And the ONLY thing.  The ONLY person who can fix it... fill it... heal it..... is me.  I have to fill it up with self love.  Self acceptance and self forgiveness.

And I know it is painful for those closest to me to witness.  And I know I have turned inward, not leaving much room for anyone else. But trust me when I say....I'm still transforming,  I will get there.  And I will be better than ever before,  Just give me some space to spread my wings and fly!

Anemia saga continues

As most of you faithful readers know... I have been battling anemia since last summer.  You can read  here to get more information about my blood transfusions and anemia from last year.  I have been faithful to take my iron and other vitamin and mineral supplements from that point forward to today. However, my energy levels are still not up to par. 

Last month I saw my WLS Nurse Practitioner Megan Vulcan for some reflux and heart burn I have been having.  While I was there she asked me how I was feeling otherwise and I mentioned my fatigue.  She asked me about my menstrual cycles.  So I told her that in the past 6-8 months my bleeding periods were getting longer and heavier.  She thought that the bleeding I was experiencing might be connected to my anemia.  She suggested I see a Gynecologist to see what they suggested.  Megan also mentioned having a uterine ablation done to stop the bleeding.  We also talked about some other less invasive treatment options and how they would work or not work for me.  

As most women know there are few options we have to control bleeding.  We can take Birth Control Pills, get birth control injected into us, get IUDs, have ablations or have partial or complete hysterectomies.  Some of these options are not great for me because I don't have a normal stomach.  Birth Control pills for instance are dissolved and absorbed in the stomach in a normal person.  But with my tiny stomach and small amounts of stomach acid and the basic malabsorption effects that come with gastric bypass surgery... well birth control pills won't work.  Inject able birth control drugs are known to cause weight gain.  And clearly  that is not an option since I had WLS and a recent tummy tuck.  IUDs might work.  Some women are very successful in having little to no periods while on an IUD.  However other women may bleed for weeks on end while their bodies adjust to the artificial hormone levels before the bleeding subsides.  So clearly that is not a good risk to take considering my anemia.  A partial or full hysterectomy is very invasive and effects my hormone levels putting me at risk to need artificial hormones which come with their own side effects.

So I went to see the gynecologist to discuss my options.  She did a full exam and pap smear.  Everything appeared to be normal.  She indicated that my bleeding might be related to my age.  Basically as women age their hormones get wacky and that can result in an excess of estrogen (makes a rich thick lining in your uterus) and lower progesterone (which makes you bleed more). Also a side note.... women that carry extra fat like I did for 30+ years are typically estrogen dominate as fat cells hold extra estrogen.  But that clearly due to my anemia issues and the blood transfusions that followed, we needed to figure out a way to control my bleeding periods,  She spoke to me about a uterine ablation as an option.  But we needed to make sure I was a good candidate for the procedure.  For instance if my uterus is full of fibroids or some other issue then that could be causing the bleeding then an ablation would not work.  She ordered an ultrasound of my uterus and then referred me to a specialist to talk about the ablation.

The ultrasound came back fine.  I have an extra thick lining as they suspected but no fibroids, tumors or other anomalies in my uterus or on my ovaries.  Off to see the specialist I went!

Dr. Schade is the specialist I saw.  He looked at all my test results and records.  He agreed that getting my bleeding under control would aid in my fight against anemia.  He said the average women with a normal stomach can sometimes fight anemia with a normal period every month.  He stated that with my tiny stomach that does not absorb iron very easily, with my already low iron levels and bleeding like I have been, it is only a matter of time before I will need another blood transfusion.  There is just no way for me to keep up with my body's iron demands when I bleed out like that monthly.  Even with the high levels of iron I take daily.  Controlling or ending the bleeding is the best option.

He talked to me about the uterine ablation.  I won't dumb it down for you.... if you are interested in learning about the procedure then click this link:  http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/endometrial-ablation/basics/definition/prc-20014190

Risks of ablation:

• A puncture injury (perforation) of the uterine wall from surgical instruments
• Heat damage to nearby organs
• Pain, bleeding or infection

After the Ablation, the good news:  

• No incisions to heal from.  Very short recovery period
• No more periods.  Or very very light ones. 
• Does not effect my hormone levels.  
• I keep all my parts, uterus cervix and ovaries.
• I will go into menopause (in like 15-18 years) at my normal time.
• I should be able to get my iron levels back up to normal with supplements
• Reduces my risk drastically of needing a blood transfusion

So it seems like a no brainer....  I go to the office, they sedate me, they heat up/Ablate my endometrial lining, they burn it down by 7mm to get all the endometrial cells, they suck it all out, they wake me up, give me some pain meds, I go home, have some discharge for a few days, and then I am back to normal!  Only no periods. Ever. Again!  Yes please!!!!

So my procedure is this Friday!  Wish me luck!!!!