Transformation Tuesday

Transformation Tuesday....

On a lot of WLS support boards they have a theme day on Tuesdays.  You are supposed to post before and after pictures of yourself showing your progress.  I have participated in these theme days for years.  More often now that I am at my goal weight and post tummy tuck.  But today I just wasn't feeling it.  I thought it might have been because I don't want to look at pictures of "fat Jen"  or maybe it was because I am tired of "healthy Jen" too.  And I am sure that is part of it.  But the biggest reason is that pictures don't do justice to to show my transformation.  Sure my ass has shrunk.  I can wear Jr. Size clothes.  Hell even my ring and shoe size is smaller.  My stomach is flat (thanks to a Tummy Tuck) and I can confidently wear a bikini.  But so what?!?!?  That is just skin, fat, muscle and fashion. That shit is easy

The bigger deal and the most difficult part of my transformation is in my head and heart and soul.  Figuring out why I overate in the first place.  And then realizing I could no longer stuff my feelings with food.  Food was gonna kill me.  I had to learn how to feel those feelings.  To let them fill me up.. consume me.  And not to run away from them.  But to let them in and finally realize that they cant hurt me.  Anything that gave me a huge reaction or rocked me to my core was old.  Old Hurt.  Old bullshit.  Old pain.  Old lies that I told myself or was told to me by someone else that I believed.  Lies I believed.

Let that sink in..... LIES I believed,  Things like I was not worthy.  Or was going to fail.  Or wasn't pretty.  Wasn't attractive.  Wasn't smart.  Wasn't sexy. Wasn't strong.  Wasn't enough.  Wasn't worthy of love.  Wasn't worthy of respect.  Wasn't worthy of acceptance. Wasn't lovable. Would never be happy.  Would always settle for less because the best wasn't for me.  I wasn't enough because I was too loud.  Too bossy. Too sassy.  Too fat.  Too pushy.  Too obnoxious.  Too outspoken.  Too bold.  Too much.

This past year I have been working really hard on changing my truth. I have looked at each one of those LIES and tried my damnest to STOP BELIEVING it!  I have stumbled and fallen and probably fucked up a lot along the way. But I am beginning to slay those demons.  I wake up every day and try to believe I am worthy.  I will succeed.  I am pretty, attractive, sexy, desirable.  I am smart.  I am so strong.  I am enough.  I am worthy of love respect and acceptance for the perfectly flawed Jen that I am.  I am lovable and give my love so freely.  I will be happy and I deserve the best.  And all those things I though I was too much of... well I am the perfect amount of all of them!  They make me exactly who I am supposed to be.

But even bigger that all of that is that I figured out that hole in my soul that aches that I have been filling up for years with food, drugs, alcohol, sex and lies.... it is still there.  And the ONLY thing.  The ONLY person who can fix it... fill it... heal it..... is me.  I have to fill it up with self love.  Self acceptance and self forgiveness.

And I know it is painful for those closest to me to witness.  And I know I have turned inward, not leaving much room for anyone else. But trust me when I say....I'm still transforming,  I will get there.  And I will be better than ever before,  Just give me some space to spread my wings and fly!