More waiting and obsessing

Over the summer I went into my Drs office for a routine check up that included blood work.  At that appointment they discovered I was severely anemic and would need 2 blood transfusions.  I have since that day been very scared of getting bad blood test results.

When the nurse handed me my lab slip I was terrified that if my blood work came back low/bad that my surgery would be canceled.  I was obsessed.  I looked over my copies of the good blood test results from  November.  How bad could they be in less than 6 weeks?  I had been taking my supplements almost perfectly. Except for that one day that I left them on the counter.  Was that 1 day of forgetfulness going to sabotage my surgery?  Oh My how I stressed and obsessed.

I refused to even plan for my surgery with the exception of my 2 best friends and my husband. We figured that between the 3 of them they could cover the day of surgery (2 with me, 1 with kids) and that Tim would take a week off of work to take care of me.  He submitted his time through FMLA, but told his boss it might get canceled if my blood work came back low.  His time off was approved, and his boss was fine if he had to cancel it.  All was ready.... well at least the kids were covered.

Friends tried to make plans with me for the week of the 30th and I made lame excuses.  It wasn't that I cared if they knew I was having an abdominoplasty it was the fear of it getting canceled and me having to live that disappointment with an audience. I told my Mom and my kids. And I did tell 2 other close friends.  But swore them to secrecy. And I explained that the surgery could still get canceled if my blood work was low/bad.  My friend Amber told me I should be making freezer meals and planning for a long recovery.  She even said she would help me.  I couldn't commit to doing it.  How could I face a freezer full of meals if the surgery got cancelled?

So instead I took down Christmas decorations and planned Kaleb's 12th Birthday party.  A sleep over with 3 friends and Lazerquest with Dad.  A fun chocolate cake to bake and decorate.  Pizza, presents, Fun.

Tim, Kaleb & Jen

The whole crew!!!!

My Birthday Boy!

But inside... I was obsessed with blood tests that I had no control over.  :(

The Call

Christmas Eve morning,  I'm laying in bed snuggling with my Harlan my 5 year old.  I can hear my other 3 kids eating breakfast and watching TV.  It was supposed to be a restful morning as my Mom and my niece and nephew were coming that afternoon to spend the holidays with us.  I had a few things still to do to prepare for our Christmas feast and some presents to wrap.  I was not even thinking about surgery.   My phone rings on the night stand next to me.  I look at the number.  It's a call from Spokane Plastic Surgery.  My heart skips a beat.  I take a deep breath and answer.  It's an angel nurse named  Pauline.  She asked me if I still wanted to have my surgery this year?  YES of COURSE I DO!!!!  Apparently I am the first patient SPS has had that received  Insurance approval for the whole tummy tuck procedure.  My insurance company had agreed to pay for the skin removal, muscle wall tightening, belly button re positioning, and liposuction on my hips and buttocks area to help contour the fat under the scar.

Wow!

Holy SHIT!!!  No Fucking Way!  (oops sorry for my potty mouth, Pauline).

What happens next?

Pauline, the angel face Nurse, goes on to tell me I need to come in for blood work and bowel prep instructions.  And Alicia lets me know I have to pay a deposit by 11 am to secure my surgery date which was December 30th.

DECEMBER 30, 2014!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pauline explained that once Dr. Buchanan had received the news from his office staff that my surgery (the whole thing) was approved he had asked Pauline to pull some strings with the hospital scheduler to get it done this year.  So while I was completely unaware of my approval, and Dr. Buchanan was sitting on a beach in Hawaii (it's true, he was), this spunky sweet little angel of a nurse, Pauline worked really hard to get my surgery scheduled before the end of the year.  Bless her perfect little heart,  I am just overwhelmed with gratitude to her!

So I jump out of bed, grab my credit card, scream at my kid to get dressed and put their shoes on, throw on my Mom uniform (jeans, T-shirt, baseball cap,  black dansko clogs, Oberlin Sweatshirt).  We leave the house in less than 15 minutes.  We arrive at the SPS office just in the nick of time.  10:45am.  I pay the deposit.  Pauline goes over the Bowel Prep instructions.  She hands me the lab test slip.  There is alot of blood work required.  She makes me an appointment for the following Monday to see Dr. Buchanan and to go over my test results and do the final prep appointment before surgery.  She tells me where to go to get my blood drawn and I head that direction.

I'm still basically in shock.  Could this really be happening?

I get to the lab and due to a guy passing out in front of us there is a VERY long wait.  With 4 kids,  The day before Christmas. And the youngest tells me he didn't eat breakfast even though it got made for him.  Oh no, please have mercy on us!!  The hospital receptionist tells me I could try another location an offers to call the one up the street.  It's 12:01.  All other locations except the one we are at close at Noon on Christmas Eve.  We are stuck.  We have to wait it out!  So after a 2 hour wait and chasing my son around the potted plants in the waiting room, trying to stop him from picking the leaves off or throwing the decorative moss around, they finally draw my blood and we are on our way home.

Christmas is tomorrow.  But I know my anticipation will not end until the 29th when I see the Dr and he gives me my blood results.

The waiting

Anyone that knows me knows that I hate waiting.  I have little to no patience.  And it is only exacerbated when I have no control over the situation.  So waiting for office staff and my Insurance company to get the paper submitted and make a decision was so HARD for me!  The office staff at Spokane Plastic Surgery did a great job getting the information submitted.  However my insurance company did not necessarily do a good job receiving the information or being consistent on what they wanted submitted to consider the surgery.  This made me crazy.  I would call the Insurance Company to be told that my Drs. office did not send pictures or start a file properly.  And then hear from SPS office staff that the Insurance company did not request pictures or start a file for them properly.  All I can say is that Alicia at SPS is a saint!  She worked so hard to make sure the Insurance company had what they needed and in a timely fashion.  She dealt with my weekly sometimes daily (ok 3 times daily) phone calls for updates with complete courtesy and professionalism as did Toni!  Even when I was losing patience with them and maybe not being my sweetest self  (I'm sorry Alicia and Toni).

Additionally Toni and Alicia gave me clear ad reasonable expectations that it usually takes 30 BUSINESS day so about 45 calendar days to get an answer from an Insurance company.  They tried to gently set me up to not freak if we still were waiting in January.  Oh man did they try.  But I REFUSED to accept that answer.

I knew that with my original Gastric Bypass Surgery approval that the squeaky wheel gets oiled with my Insurance company.  I called for updates, spoke to the nurse that actually makes the decision and made sure she had all the documents that were required for my WLS.  I  believe it was because of my diligence that I received approval for gastric Bypass Surgery in such a short amount of time.  The difference there was that I had tests that had to be preformed and sent back to them before they would approve it.  But once they had all tests and all the information my approval was made within days, not weeks.

I approached my Abdominoplasty with the same attitude.  If you speak nicely, follow up with the decision makers and make sure they have everything they need then the process will move more quickly. Additionally, in making my follow up calls I got to actually speak to the Nurse Manager that makes the decision on my surgery.  I got to plead my case to her and explain all my health issues related to the extra skin.

I don't want to share too much, mostly because it is embarrassing and most people don't really care.  However if you are reading this blog to find a way to get your surgery covered by your insurance company it may be helpful to hear how I got mine approved.  The primary issue was the extra skin kept getting infected.  No matter how clean and dry I kept my skin I had recurrent nasty itchy skin infections under the apron of skin and in my belly button. I had gone to both my primary Dr. W and my WLS Dr. V over the past 2 years and been treated for these infections.  I refilled prescriptions multiple times over the years.  In the summertime was the worse.   This is what all of my Drs sighted for my primary complaints in their letters of support to the Insurance company.

What I also got to tell the nurse at the insurance company was that I suspected I had a separation of my abdominal muscle which makes me at higher risk for a hernia.  This separation happens from being morbidly obese as well as carrying 4 babies to full term.  And my babies where big squishy 9 pounders.  :)  Also you can get hernias or increase your risk of them developing anytime you have abdominal surgery, of which I have had my bypass but also in 2004 I had my gall bladder removed. By pulling that muscle separation back together, it could help prevent hernias.   I also got to tell her how the extra skin was effecting my ability to exercise.  I told her stories of how I had to strap the skin down to run, or do any cardio with spanx or other binders.  And lastly I bared my soul to her and told her the extra skin was negatively effecting my marriage.  I felt unattractive due to my extra hanging skin and it was effecting my sex life and thus my marriage.  (Please note:  these were MY hang ups.  Tim never once complained or probably even noticed the extra skin.).

The nurse told me she had everything she needed to review the surgery and she would be making her decision soon but gave me the standard "it can take 30 days to make a decision".

Again with the waiting.  By this time we were past the middle of December.  I actually told my husband that despite all my efforts it would probably not happen before the end of year (and thus in time for us to use our already paid deductible since my transfusions over the summer were so expensive).  I was doubtful we as a family could come up with the deductible plus our co-insurance for this surgery until the end of 2015 if we couldn't take advantage of what we had already paid in 2014.  So even if I got approval after January 1st I could not have the surgery for another year.  I was sad.  But with my 15 year wedding anniversary on the 18th of December, Christmas fast approaching and my oldest sons 12th birthday coming up on the 29th I just put my disappointment aside and focused on my family and the holidays.

My Consultation

As soon as I got the go ahead from my WLS Dr.V that I was cleared to look into skin removal surgery I did!!!!  I immediately called Spokane Plastic Surgeon's office and requested a consult with Dr. Dallas Buchanan.  As luck would have it after playing phone tag a few times with the awesome receptionist Toni, they had a cancellation and got me in the following week.  I don't remember the actual date but it was the week before thanksgiving.

Toni literally called me and said can you be here in 1 hour (maybe less).  I was so anxious to get there and have the consult that I said yes and basically hopped into the car with Harlan (my 5 yr old son) and raced the 30 minutes to the north end of town to get there!  About half way there I had a sudden horrific realization..... I was on my period and wearing the most unattractive period panties I own.  LOL  I know you girls out there totally understand my horror.  (and if this part of my story makes you uncomfortable you should close your browser and delete this blog from your list because things get more real and graphic from here forward...maybe not in THIS post but in the posts to come).

So here I am..... last minute appointment that she is squeezing me into.... me in my period panties... no time to go home and change.  Do I call and cancel?  Or just press ahead and hope that the Dr. has a sense of humor?  Humor prevailed!  I decided I would just apologize for my panties and go anyway. I kept reassuring myself that if I choose him as my surgeon he would be seeing more of me than just my period panties.... besides, he's married right?  He has a wife that probably has similar panties that he has seen.  And he, being a Dr should know all about a women's cycle and know I can't make it stop, right....RIGHT?!?!?!

I get to the office door.  It is a big wooden door.  I could still change my mind, they haven't seen me yet.  Oh... what to do?  All I could do was hope that he was very clinical in which case he would never mention my horrid panties or stupid period or he would have a sense of humor and just laugh it off!  Thankfully Humor prevailed AGAIN and I pushed open the heavy door.

Toni was there to greet me warmly and made me feel welcome.  I signed in and then sat down, trying to wrap my head around sitting in this office about to embark on my first step in the skin removal surgery journey.  I barely had time to feel centered and the wonderful nurse was there to call me back.  The nurse (whose name I forget) was again so welcoming not only to me but to Harlan.  She gave him a nice chair to it in.  I gave him my phone to play on.  She closes the door and asks what we are seeing me for.  I take a deep breath and say "skin removal after Gastric Bypass surgery weight  loss".  She smiles and asks how much I have lost.  I tell her 160 pounds.  She grins from ear to ear and says how awesome that is!  She then tells me that Dr will want me to get all the way undressed and put the big fluffy white robe on.  White fluffy... did she say WHITE?  Undressed ALL the way?  I smile and say.... "ummm I'm on my period, heavy day.... I think it is best I leave my panties on".  She says "Oh yes that makes sense".  She points to the robe hanging on the back of the door and leaves.

I quickly grab the robe and undress down to my hideous period panties.  I notice a full length mirror on the back of the door under where the robe was hanging.  I stare at my hanging skin and my panties....They are cheap Walmart ones that celebrate St. Patrick's day.  I have rainbows and Shamrocks and a pot of gold on my ass.  Sigh.  Why does it have to be Thanksgiving next week?  I mean, at least if it were March or hell even springtime my panties would make more sense!  I am still hoping for an unattractive very clinical serious Dr that will not mention said panties.  I wrap the very nice fluffy white robe around myself and tie the belt just in time to hear a knock at the door.  I tell them they can enter (nurse and Dr,) and I take a seat on the exam chair/table.

I look up and make eye contact with Dr. Buchanan.  He is a nice looking Dr. with a nice smile and a trusting face.  He is dressed in scrubs.  He introduces himself and says "I'm sorry I'm in scrubs but I was in surgery this morning.  I'm embarrassed because I usually like to meet new clients in a suit"  Oh Holy Crap!!!!  I have an opening given to me by fate itself.  I respond "Oh Dr.  I won't worry about your scrubs if you don't worry about my ugly period panties."  he looks up at me again, gives me a genuine smile, laughs and says "Ok.  Don't worry, we see everything in here, much worse than period panties" Relief washes over me!  A nice Dr with a sense of humor and the ability to make people feel at ease!  He is wracking up points in my book.

He asks me some questions about why I am there today.  I tell him about 4 pregnancies with HUGE babies, and my major weight loss of 160 pounds following a successful Gastric Bypass Surgery.  He smiles and tells me congratulations and commends me on how hard I have worked and how not everyone that has WLS succeeds at keeping the weight off.  We talk more about my weight loss, how long I have been at my current weight etc.

We had a nice chat about my health, my battles with anemia, and he makes a polite attempt to talk to Harlan who is too engrossed in his phone playing to respond.  So far so good.  I ask him some questions about his experience and how long he has been doing these type of surgeries.  Well, come to find out, he has personally been trained to do and has preformed 100s of gastric Bypass surgeries he has done 100s of skin removal after major weight loss surgeries.

It is important to note at this point that in Spokane, WA there is not very many Drs that will preform such surgeries for post WLS patients.  Apparently doing these surgeries require more training and skill than the average tummy tuck due to the very large amounts of skin that gets removed.  I am sure there are other reasons that I am not aware of, but my WLS Dr. V basically told me when she referred me to Dr. Buchanan that he was the only Dr she knew of locally that did these surgeries.  Her own WLS surgeons in the Rockwood Weight Loss Surgery Center no longer did them.  She did know of one other Dr in Idaho that did post WLS plastics and a handful of Drs in other cities like Seattle.  So finding Dr. Buchanan in Spokane that not only understood my gastric bypass surgery, had preformed them himself, and had the training and experience to do post WLS plastic surgeries was as lucky as the shamrocks and pot of gold on my ass!

Next came the exam part.  I had to stand up untie my belt take off my robe and let the first man other than my husband in 20 years see my full naked body in all it's saggy glory,  I was waiting to see the same grimace of disgust on his face that was on mine.  But no.  He told me my skin looked pretty good for how much weight I have lost. He was completely professionally and courteous.  He did his exam and then asked me if he could take some pictures to submit for insurance purposes.  Big sigh.  Great.  Not only will Dr. Buchanan see my hideous period panties but now we are going to photo document them for his files and my Insurance company.  Kill.Me.Now.

While he is taking his pictures I am totally sucking it in and not breathing.  Typical girl..... camera comes out and suddenly my spine straightens, abs pull in and boobs get pushed up a little.  That last part was extra hard because my bra with all it's gravity defying effects lay crumbled on the floor by Harlan's chair.  Then Dr. Buchanan says.... "Ummmm these are for the insurance company to get your surgery approved.  Don't suck it in.  Let it all hang out."  OH EM GEE.  He's kidding right? Period panties.... no bra... saggy boobs.... and I can't even attempt to pull my abs in?!?!?!?!  Give me strength!  Then he says "Ok lets try the pictures again.  let it hang."  And so I did.  And I turned to multiple angles and sides and even showed him my butt covered in shamrocks, rainbows and pot of gold!  Oh and he had me lift my apron of skin to document the rashes under the flap.  KMN.

Then I gladly wrapped my robe back around myself and sat back down.  We discussed the 3 options I had for surgery.

Option 1:  panniculectomy - Panniculus is a medical term describing a dense layer of fatty tissue growth, consisting of subcutaneous fat in the lower abdominal area.[1] It can be a result of obesity and can be mistaken for a tumor or hernia. Abdominal panniculus can be removed during abdominal panniculectomy, a type of abdominoplasty. A panniculus can also be the result of loose tissues after pregnancy or massive weight loss.  

This option would only remove the layer of skin that hangs down.  It is most often covered by medical insurance.  the surgery would involve a low bikini line cut and removal of skin.  It would not address my muscle separation, any liposuction, or re positioning of my Belly Button.  Dr. Buchanan said that he almost never agrees to do only the Panniculectomy because patients are often not happy with the results and the other problems that need to be addressed are not.  he said to prepare myself that this is probably all my Insurance company would cover and that the additional work that would need to be preformed would be out of my pocket expense.

Option 2: Full Abdominoplasty-  (Click the link for some coll drawings of how it's done) In general, a complete (or full) abdominoplasty follows these steps: An incision is made from hip to hip just above the pubic area.Another incision is made to free the navel from the surrounding skin. The skin is detached from the abdominal wall to reveal the muscles and fascia to be tightened. The muscle fascia wall is tightened with sutures. Liposuction is often used to refine the transition zones of the abdominal sculpture. A dressing and sometimes a compression garment are applied and any excess fluid from the site is drained.

This option is what I want.  It addresses the hanging skin, extra tissue, moves my belly button, tightens my ab wall etc.  Dr. Buchanan said that most people are very happy with the results of this surgery and  it is what he recommends for me to do. However, he highly doubts my insurance will cover it.  But we can contact the hospital and get a price quote once we figure out what my Insurance will pay then we can calculate what my portion would be.   the whole time I am thinking about an appeals process through my Insurance Company and how I will be the squeaky wheel because THIS is what they should cover.

Option 3 : The Fleur De Lis Tummy Tuck - For the most redundant abdominal skin, the Fleur De Lis Tummy Tuck incorporates removal of skin and fat from the lower abdomen, and tightening of the abdominal muscles. In addition, the Fleur De Lis Tummy Tuck allows for removal of excess skin from the center of the abdominal wall from the ribs to the pubic region.  Basically in addition to all that is included in Option 2 you would also get a vertical incision so they would take skin from the sides as well.

Dr. Buchanan felt that this level was unnecessary for me since I did not have alot of  skin hanging around above my belly button.  He felt that Option 2 would be most beneficial since I was concerned about the vertical scar.  Option 2 would have a lower bikini scar only.   This option would include a vertical scar as well.  And my shape right now is still hour glass-ish so I did not need this level.  besides the fact that he doubted even more that my Insurance would cover it.  But that didn't matter to me because I wanted option 2 and that was what I would get my insurance to cover.

He said he would get the paperwork sent into the Insurance company after he received the documents we had requested from my Primary Dr W., My WLS Dr. V,  and his consultation report and request.  I asked if there as any chance we could get it done before the end of the year.  Dr. B said that he had slots available and he was sure the hospital would too, he just wasn't sure the money end/insurance would get figured out in time.  But he would have his office staff get on it right away!

Challenge Accepted!  I was going to get this done.  This Year.  :)




(here are some of my "before pictures" not in my period panties! )

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I do not offer eye bleach and you can't "unsee" this!

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Still here?  ok...... Consider yourself warned!!!!


Side view (box to cover identifying tattoo)

Front view:

4 babies and losing 160+ pounds have not been easy on this body!

Blood Update November 12, 2014

As you know from  my previous post I had been struggling with keeping my blood levels up.  Mostly because I wasn't taking my vitamins as prescribed by my Dr.  My iron levels were so low that I had to undergo 2 blood transfusions which totaled 4 units of Packed Red Blood cells.   It was horrible.  I learned a few things though!

1. No matter how inconvenient hauling a days worth or more of my pills in my purse is... it is no where near as inconvenient and scary as having to have Blood Transfusions.
2. I learned to take my damn medicine and that taking care of myself is my first priority because I can't take care of my kids if I'm dead or in the least, sick.
3. Blood transfusions are VERY EXPENSIVE!!!
4. I learned how much I love my family and friends and strangers that give whole blood selflessly.  I had several people give blood the week of my transfusions in honor of my struggle. It makes me cry to think about their sacrifice.  And even though I did not get a direct transfer of any loved ones blood, I know that their blood saved someone else's life.  So if you can:  GIVE BLOOD!
   
5. I learned that since I have received blood that I can't be a donor for a number of years.  But I promise when I can that I will give blood!  At the minimum of 4 times!
6. I also learned how much my family and friends love me!  There was a huge amount of scrambling that had to be done to get my kids taken care of so I could be in the hospital for 2 days, while my husband was out of town.  And Blood Transfusions can't really be scheduled or planned.  So thank you to all the people who helped get me and my precious family through that! 

So I faithfully take my vitamins and iron supplements daily!  And my blood work shows it!  On November 5th I went back to the lab and had a follow up panel of blood work done.  On November 12th I got the results at my followup appointment with my Dr. My blood work was great!  I had made some major improvements even since the blood transfusions.  My Hemoglobin was 11.3 and Hematocrit was 35.2%.  Both are still below normal but I am doing so much better!

When I had gone into the Dr back in August it was for a routine followup and to start asking some questions about getting an Abdominoplasty.  But obviously my low blood counts were more important that skin removal surgery.  My Dr basically told me in August that she felt I was too sick for surgery.  I quickly shifted my focus and worked really hard on getting better.

But now in November I realized with my blood work looking so good that I might be able to start thinking about my other health issues that were effecting my life.... the hanging skin, separated ab muscles, and constant skin infections.  So I hesitantly asked my weight loss surgery Dr. V for a referral to a reconstructive surgeon.

Much to my delight and surprise she was very supportive and excitedly told me about a brand new surgeon in Spokane that has experience in reconstructive sin removal aftr gastric Bypass Surgery.  She happily referred me to Dr. Dallas Buchanan at Spokane Plastic Surgeons!   And she agreed to write a letter to refer to my Insurance company once we got to that step.  

I got into my car after the appointment with such a huge feeling of relief that I was crying and feeling so blessed.  I called my husband and shared with him all the news.  We discussed the option of skin removal surgery and thought that I should at least go in for a consultation.  

Set Backs

I have recently had some setbacks on my journey to get healthy.  On August 9th I had my blood drawn for some routine labs in preparation for my upcoming WLS check up.  I went to my check up appt on August 12.  When I got there the nurse and Dr were very concerned about me.  My blood levels were extremely low.  Like scary low.

So my hemoglobin was only 6.2, which is about half of what it should be in order for my body to be receiving adequate oxygenation.  And my Iron saturation was only 1.91% and it should be somewhere closer to 20%.  All of this added up to me needing a blood transfusion.... like NOW!

The cause of these low levels are from me not taking my vitamins.  I know I know.... rookie mistake.  My Drs told me at every single appt to take my vitamins and treat them like MEDICINE not supplements as my body NEEDS them.  But I didn't.  I have a long list of reasons why I didn't but they all make me sound like a sniveling snout.  So I will spare you the details.  And besides.... the bottom line is that I didn't take them and now I am paying the consequences for those actions.

So I had to go get my blood typed and screened so they could prepare to transfuse me.  The following day I had to arrive at the hospital at 7:30 am and be admitted.  That in and of itself was a nightmare!  My friend Sara had to watch my kids while my other friend Sarah took me to the hospital because it just so happened that my husband was working out of town on these 2 days.    They transfused me with 2 units of packed red blood cells.

The following day August 14th, I had another complete Blood count done and my levels were still too low.  So they ordered another blood transfusion for Friday August 15th.  They put 2 units of packed red blood cells in me.  This time Tim was able to come with me!

This weekend I just hung out and tried to rest and also got on a good schedule of vitamins.  I downloaded an app to my phone that reminds me what to take and at what time.  All in all I have to take medicines 6 times a day because of how my altered by surgery body absorbs nutrients.  But the App is helping me stay on top of it!

This morning August 18th I had another Complete Blood Count done and it looks like my Hemoglobin is at 10.7 and my hematocrit is at 35.  These numbers look good to the Dr on call.  My Dr will not be in the office until tomorrow morning to review these numbers.  But at this point I am doing better and will not require another transfusion today.

Throwback Thursday

I am currently 27 months out from my WLS.  And yesterday the scale said 180.2 pounds.  It still fluctuates on a daily basis...like this morning it said 181.4.  I wear a size 12/14 in pants and tops.  I am still 15 pounds from my "goal weight" of 165.  But when I stop and think about my life and where I have come from I think back to the last time I weighed 180 pounds and wore a size 12/14.  Well that was when I was in High school and the year after so 1991-1994.  I still weighed more than my peers since most of them were in the 110-130 range.. or at least that was my best guess.  So I still suffered from self loathing and hating myself for being "fat".  But when I look at the following pictures I want to cry for that girl.  I wasn't fat.  I was thick... in all the right places...  a booty to balance my breasts...thin arms... great legs....  But why did I hate myself so much?  

Those jeans are a size 12

 That dress was a size 14.  I had to search high a low for a dress that was in style and in my size.  So when I found it, the size and price was ingrained in my brain.... size 14 price $112.  Thanks Grandma for buying it for me!

This was Tim's Prom in 1994

So when I look at those pictures and see that girl I am sad that she didn't understand how perfect she really was.  I am sad that she didn't see how worthy she was, and how it didn't matter than she was a bit heavier than her peers.  That her self worth was not related to the number on the damn scale.

So today is "Throw back Thursday"....  And a full circle moment... my pants are a size 12/14.  The dress I wore to my 20 yr High school Reunion was a size 12/14.  I weigh 180 pounds.  I am still working on my current issues of self loathing and feeling less than.  I try to not let the number on the scale determine my value.  I am still a work in progress...but at least I am still working on it